Burger Double Feature

Grilled, broiled, blah blah blah.  Ain't no better way to make a burger than in a cast-iron skillet.  All the precious fatty juices get preserved instead of dripping onto the coals and causing scorching grease flames to assault your tender ground bovine.  Black iron gives a perfect crust on the outside, keeps it pink and juicy within, and the process leaves your skillet greezier than ever.  Full power.

Taking a couple of cues from the pinnacle of over-the-top burgerdom from chef-turned-emcee Action Bronson, for this ultimate skillet burger we decided to go big.  Many steps, many layers, many beautiful calories, one absurd, towering end product.

Unlike Bronsonelli, we decided to forego the double deep-fried chicken cutlet.  Can you really call it a burger what with all that?  We also left pork products out (Action's beloved gabagool; he ain't fucking wit no regular bacon), but only because we forgot to start the bacon cooking in time.  We thought better of an over-easy egg, but only due to a failure of moral certainty.  And we rejected avocado--that's some silly California shit.  The result is a stripped down New York fucking City double deluxe burger extra plus.

The full run-down:

a fatty patty of 20% fat pastured ground beef, salted and peppered but otherwise left alone
kaiser roll bun, toasted
raw cows' milk aged cheddar
tomato slices, salted and vinegared
romaine lettuce
fresh red onion slices
sliced pickles (Bubbie's)
sauteed red onion and chanterelles
ketchup (Heinz, the original and still the best for this purpose)
sauce: mayo, stone-ground mustard and pickled green peppercorns

Don't forget to salt everything.  Always salt everything.  (The lettuce and buns can be exempted.)

Construction: special sauce on both bun halves.  Lettuce, tomato, pickles and raw onion below the patty, cheese melted on top of patty, then sauteed onions and mushrooms, ketchup, and the upper bun.

All that remains is to christen the beast.  Ah yes: the fortress of solitude.  Selah.














But that's not all.  One good skillet burger deserves another, and we your faithful greezers are here to remind you that any animal whatsoever can make a delicious burger.  Aardvark, crocodile, jellyfish, zebra--these are as yet unexplored territory.  But I can now cross Snapper off the list.

Fish burger:

snapper fillet (or other sweet, firm-fleshed fishy), diced into ~1/2" cubes
sourdough bread crumbs, about as much by volume as the fish
diced onion and celery, sauteed
enough beaten egg to bind, about 1 egg per burger
a fat dollop of tomatillo salsa
salt, pepper, fresh herbs as desired

Form into patties and saute in butter in your beautiful cast iron skillet.  Top with sweet chili sauce.